me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
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3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
as is their right
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.