Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
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Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Pot warmers of the day.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]