I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
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John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Oh my God.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
sir, my pâté if you please
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?