Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
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[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people