me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
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Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what