Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”