WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
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Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”