Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
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I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
How I’d get arrested…
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Dune (2021)
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”