Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
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if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no