Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
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ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.