Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
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Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]