Untitled Goose Game (2019)
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My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Big Sex has us all fooled
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.