I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
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My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE