Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
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Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
what’s really going on
I’m awake but I object,
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Siri, fight Alexa.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.