My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
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Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Who says great literature is dead?
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.