I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
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Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money