Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
You Might Also Like
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
fly smarter, not harder
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.