If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
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detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I’m giving up for Lent.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
The pasta is now
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.