How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
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If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
12653.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.