Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
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*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W