I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
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My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Challenge accepted.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.