Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
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Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.