Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
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no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
everyone has that one prude friend
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet