I just stopped by to water my horse.
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Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I’m sure it’s fine.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Geez man, take it easy.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here