Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
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Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
at ease…shoulder.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.