If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
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Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
finally
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad