I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
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At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you