[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
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If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
meow
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
doing some research
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.