Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
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Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
oppen heimer style lol
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.