No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
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[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.