At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
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Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
my favorite genre of twitter
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Thinking about Jeff
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
…..pretty much.