“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
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[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
tis the season
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy