What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
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*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]