when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
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Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.