Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
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Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
listen closely
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.