[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
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Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Banana is the quietest snack
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you