Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
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I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
This story is comedy gold 😂
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet