“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
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SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.