why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
You Might Also Like
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.