my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
You Might Also Like
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA