{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
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If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times