i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
You Might Also Like
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.