Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
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….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
cyclists
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”