#damn
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If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My wife gives the best headache.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I only eat vegetarians.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.