me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
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My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Stop it! 😂
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…