Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
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My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
titanic
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Am I having a stroke?
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”