ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
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me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
HOW DARE YOU
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
kids play hide and seek like
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.