Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
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The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
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My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”