If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
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[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”