They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
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Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
*swipes right on my hand mirror
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.